Sleepless

I don't know about you, but I did not sleep last night.

I lay there, tossing and turning. Mysterious internet outage and mobile service that's spotty at best in the house preventing me from even getting a little green dot fix to help settle my mind…

And I realized. Something has changed in me. Shifted.

For the longest time, my worst enemy was the part of me who doubted you welcomed me at all. The part of me that was constantly afraid. Constantly screaming in the back of my head

but what if you're wrong

Not wanting to upset you. Not wanting to make you uncomfortable in your own home. Not wanting to make the neighborhood get-togethers awkward for you. Not wanting you to feel unsafe.

Oh, don't get me wrong. There's still a part of me that worries about that, a bit. An idiot voice in the back of my head who insists for some reason that your feelings for me are as changeable as the winds. I know to give you more credit than that. I know. But he's still there. Only a whisper, now. I can mostly ignore it. But still there.

I've mostly defeated that particular beast. But yet, I still find myself having to fight. I still have an enemy.

It's still myself.

That last night of camping, when I had you to myself… I told you that I had really enjoyed spending time with you.

Do you know that I had to fight myself to stop there? To the point where I might have even started vocalizing another word: “guys”.

Yeah. This idiot part of me tried to force me to say that I had really enjoyed spending time with you… guys.

You have no idea how glad I am that I was able to stop myself. I'm getting better at that. At keeping that idiot part of me who seems insistent on trying to make me fail from taking the reins.

But, if I've defeated the part of me that's afraid I've been wrong about how you feel… then what's this guy all about?

What I realized last night, as sleep completely failed to take me… Is that it's disbelief. I look at this love, at all of this… I look at you… And this guy… this idiot guy in the back of my head just keeps insisting…

you don't deserve it.

And so he works against me. Tries to sabotage me. Tries to force me to lessen the impact of messages I'm trying to convey to you. Tries to convince me to keep my head down. Stick with the status quo.

Be miserable.

Well, I'm done with that guy. That guy can take a hike.

I know I'm still going to have to fight him, but I'm ready for the battle.

I know I deserve to be loved in the way that I want.

And I know that you can offer me that love. I know you probably already are.

So I will win. I have to. Nothing has ever been more important to me in my life.

(except the kids of course, but you know that…)

I'm sorry it's taking me so long, my love. Please keep being patient with me. I promise it won't be much longer.

I love you. I will defeat my demons for you. And I'll be a better person for it. For you.

Deservingly yours.

(And starting to actually believe it)